Thursday, September 22, 2005
That is what I lack, more than anything. I don’t tremble enough. And I sin way too often. Usually boldly. No trembling then. But at night, when the demons come, oh I tremble then! But, I should have no fear of them. They have no power over the name of Jesus Christ. It is the one who created the demons who should cause me to tremble, that, and the grace He has showed unto me. That is worthy of my tremors. I need to learn how to tremble throughout my life and my days. When I’m working, when I’m at school, when I’m with friends. I should tremble at the majesty that has made it all possible. And I should pray. I should speak to my heart, for God is in my heart, my soul, my mind, my body. Speak to my heart in silence upon my bed. I have done that since as long as I can remember. From the day I challenged God, if He really existed, he would send someone into my room that very moment. My Mom came in to check on me. Since then I have spoken to my heart, my God, at night in my bed. As a child I devised a plan, a sort of outline of my prayer life if you will. I ranked my prayers in order of importance. I allowed myself one special prayer of the day, that if God answered no other prayers that day, that he would answer that one. Likewise, I allowed myself one special prayer of the week, two of the month, and three of the year. Those were the most important ones, the prayers of the year. I look back on that and I think it was childish, but maybe I need to get back to that simple faith, with fear and trembling. I remember I did tremble when I made bold enough to pray a prayer of the year. The only prayer of the year I can remember is when I was stabbed in middle school by some bully with a hypodermic needle while I was in the library. He thought I was trying to move in on his girlfriend, but really I was only helping her with her math. I remember that prayer of the year: that I did not have a disease as a result of that needle.