Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Interfaith Dating
My friend inquired how I felt about the issue now. My feelings have changed somewhat, primarily due to an evolving theology of religions. Because I have an understanding of how it would be possible for someone professing another faith (at least as far as the Abrahamic faiths are concerned) to be saved, the issue of their ultimate salvation would not be a primary stumbling block to me. (I realize there is a lot in that statement alone that could be dealt with, but I ask that you resist temptation and stick with me on the main subject here.) This does not settle the matter however. Just as my theology of religions has evolved and continues to do so, so too does my understanding of human relationship. If I were to date someone who professed another faith, I would not be able to fully worship with them, nor they with me and that is a big deal for me. This is not to mention that I am not just a pew sitter, but one who is training to become a priest in the Christian religion. To a certain extent, that raises the bar. Carrying the idea a bit further, were I to marry a person who professed another faith, and were we to have children, this begs the question of how to raise them. It would not be easy for me to not raise my children to have an understanding of faith at the least, and a deep appreciation for Anglican/Episcopal liturgy at the most. However, all that aside, I now know that not all dating relationships result in marriage (whoa - big shocker there) and to a certain extent some bridges are better crossed when you arrive at them. Therefore, I think that it would be theoretically possible for me to date someone who professed another faith (easier if they were Jewish or Muslim than other faiths).
My friend found this interesting and I asked them to share how she felt. At first, she laughed about my personal anecdote. She thought it was funny that I was so concerned over this young Jewish girl's salvation, because, as she put it, Jews aren't interested in salvation. She then went on to explain what she thought about the issue. She shared in my belief that you should not enter a serious dating relationship with someone whom you cannot see yourself one day marrying. To that end, she said that when you marry someone, you are marrying more than one person; you are marrying their whole family and extended family, their traditions, their customs, their culture. That is a lot to handle. She said that even if you don't confess your faith loudly, that someone somewhere down the line does and that will make family gatherings awkward because "Grandma's gonna want the holidays to be like it was in the old country and how can that be if this Gentile is sitting here at the table with us?" So, for her, it seemed there were broader implications than just the one interpersonal relationship. She concluded that she did not think it was a good idea at all.
This discussion left me with much mental fodder. I was somewhat surprised by how I discovered I felt about the issue given the mental trials I put myself through over the girl from high school. Funny how people change and in what ways. What do you think? Anyone out there ever have or are currently in an interfaith relationship? Or know someone who is? How's that going? What are their challenges and their joys pertinent to this topic?
-R
3 Comments:
Ryan,
This is an interesting post. I am glad you shared your thoughts. I think that what makes marriage a challenge is that you are never really ever on the same page as your spouse.
Let's pretend I find someone of my faith tradition...a Baptist. Let's say she's a professional Baptist, a minister or missionary. Maybe we even went to the same schools. This all may mean a great deal of common ideas and modes of engaging faith. It may mean nothing at all. One of the most deeply spiritual relationships I ever had was with a Catholic woman. This was when I was functioning as an agnostic. It was an amazing relationship.
I am now the "professional Christian" married to someone who vacilates for very credible resons on whether or not she will participate in organized religion at all. Does this reality play a role in my relationship with her? You bet!
I married her anyway. I may have actually married her because of it.
One of the questions you may need to answer for yourself is what you wish for your marriage to embody. What interests or beliefs about anything must she have. What if she is Christian but dislikes your brother? Or worse, Wake Forest?! Holy cow! Can you marry someone from Duke?!
Silly, I know. But it is important. It may be that you will find spiritual fulfillment with those outside your marriage. And that reality may be a wonderful demonstration to your children about how to function lovvingly in a multi-cultural/multi-religious world.
By 
, at
2:41 PM
Dear All,
Thank you for your comments. I want to make a few responses and see what you have to say. Let me be more clear on one point - when I say "different faith", I am not referring to a non-Episcopalian Christian. I am referring to someone who is not Christian. I don't know if that point was confused by anyone, but I saw it as a potential ambiguity.
K - I think what I am saying is that, for me, a person's faith is an integral part of who they are, in so far as me showing interest in them as a dating partner goes. To me, I am not just dating a person. But I am dating a person who has a ideas on what faith looks like, has traditions of their own, their own schedules, their own joys and tribulations, and their own preferences on whether they shower in the evening or the morning. What I'm saying is I don't think you can simplify something as complex as the human person. What I am trying to work out is whether differing faiths (not differing denominations of Christianity) is compatible for me. I can see the image of God in many people; I strive to see it in all. This does not mean anyone at all is a potential dating partner. I also think that it would be hard to have a "theology of dating". Dating isn't a sacrament. Marriage is, so in that context, a "theology of marriage" makes sense. What the anonymous author contributed hits that point a little better - what you want a dating relationship, and perhaps consequently a marriage, to embody.
BrotherBeal - I think what you say about piousness or devoutness is also very important, both within Christianity and outside it. I think I would have less theological qualms about dating a Conservative Jew than a member of Campus Crusade. I also think that it would be hard for me to date someone, who while a Christian, cannot understand my piety and the level of my committment to God. Good things to consider.
Anonymous - "never really ever on the same page as your spouse" - wow, that's a daunting thought, but also an interesting one. I'll have to ponder that more once I'm married, God willing. I really liked what you had to say, especially that piece of your own story. Thank you for that. As to what I wish for my marriage to embody, I'm not sure. I've not given that specific question any formal thought, though I think I have a number of ideas about it that could stand fleshing out. The points you make towards the end of your comment remind us that we are not discussing this question in a vacuum, and that there are a host of other things to consider. I know that, but I wanted to focus on this question of faith. Nevertheless, good things to think about. And if my future spouse went to Duke, well, she'd have to be something pretty darn special! I also especially liked what you had to say about witnessing to my future children (again, God willing) about how to act lovingly in a pluralistic society. Raising clergy kids is something most people usually say right before spitting, and that frightens me somewhat. We'll see how it all works out. I invite all of you and more to comment back. Thanks for speaking up!
-R
In reading my homework for New Testament class, I discovered that St. Paul would like to weigh in on this issue. From the first letter that we have of his to the congregation at Corinth:
"To the married I give this command — not I but the Lord — that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does separate, let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say — I and not the Lord — that if any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. It is to peace that God has called you. Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife." (1 Cor 7:10-16)
-R
