Thursday, December 30, 2004
Some Raw Feelings
I can't help but look at X, Y, and Z, and see my three of my best friends. And I see them all married, with bright futures ahead of them. And I see them all moving on to a new part of their life, and I'm left in this other more liminal stage of uncertainty. And that causes me lots of pain sometimes. My three friends, the men with whom I used to do everything, have all gone on to do something else, and left me in the dust. They share the joys and pains of married life with each other and all of a sudden don't understand me as much when I talk about getting excited about a new girl or something. Pretty soon, I bet some of them will start having kids, and then they'll have that to talk about and I can't even get in on that conversation. It's like a club I've been kicked out of man. And I want it. But I don't have it and I wonder why. Why has God ordained that my life should be so different from theirs or anyone else’s? Why has God called me out of that mess that I now want to something else, to this other mess called "Ordination track". Why has God called me to serve him in this way? I mean, do you know what it's like to try and meet someone socially and see that strange look in their eyes when you tell them, proudly, that you're in seminary? What it's like to look at a person you've loved for years and have them look back at you like a sister? You're too holy for them. You can't be for them. You're for God. The Romans may have invented that whole celibacy shit to save them from this kind of struggle. It's tough man, and I struggle with it. But deep down, beneath the struggle and the pain, there is a deeper and abiding sense of faith and I don't know what that will bring me, but I have to trust in it, because its what I have now.
-R
1 Comments:
Everyone has some sort of burden they carry into the dating world. Some people are lucky and have small burdens. Some people have big ones (hello, I had a kid; you're going to be a priest). But when you find the right person who accepts the package deal, you're a million times luckier than the people who get married just to get married.
(And maybe you should relax a wee bit. From what I remember, you're a bit high strung, Randolph.)
Lacy
mthrlangl@523.org.uk
etc.
By 
, at
8:15 AM
